" Brigham Young University is a very prestigious college owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, with some of the best ranked schools in the United States such as the BYU Business School. Even though most students in this university are members of this church, it is not only limited for them. Many international students apply to BYU because of its low costs and prestige. However, the acceptance rate for these international applications is not the highest amongst the American universities. I am an international student myself, and I know of someone who was just about as skilled as I am, and didn’t make it through due to the limited amount of international students that were accepted. I’m not denying BYU knows about the whole range of benefits of cultural diversity and does as much as possible to accept international applicants. All I’m suggesting is to increase the rate of accepted applicants so that more international applicants worthy of this education enjoy the benefits of studying in such a great university, as many of them who I’m sure are very brilliant, like my friend, deserve this education. The acceptance of more internationals will help everyone: The university, the student body and the accepted internationals. "
Monday, January 24, 2011
Comment on my intro.
Well, I decided to post my introduction because I think it's the most difficult part of my Op Ed and maybe I can make it a bit better with some comments. Any suggestions and comments that will help it get better will be very welcome.
" Brigham Young University is a very prestigious college owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, with some of the best ranked schools in the United States such as the BYU Business School. Even though most students in this university are members of this church, it is not only limited for them. Many international students apply to BYU because of its low costs and prestige. However, the acceptance rate for these international applications is not the highest amongst the American universities. I am an international student myself, and I know of someone who was just about as skilled as I am, and didn’t make it through due to the limited amount of international students that were accepted. I’m not denying BYU knows about the whole range of benefits of cultural diversity and does as much as possible to accept international applicants. All I’m suggesting is to increase the rate of accepted applicants so that more international applicants worthy of this education enjoy the benefits of studying in such a great university, as many of them who I’m sure are very brilliant, like my friend, deserve this education. The acceptance of more internationals will help everyone: The university, the student body and the accepted internationals. "
" Brigham Young University is a very prestigious college owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, with some of the best ranked schools in the United States such as the BYU Business School. Even though most students in this university are members of this church, it is not only limited for them. Many international students apply to BYU because of its low costs and prestige. However, the acceptance rate for these international applications is not the highest amongst the American universities. I am an international student myself, and I know of someone who was just about as skilled as I am, and didn’t make it through due to the limited amount of international students that were accepted. I’m not denying BYU knows about the whole range of benefits of cultural diversity and does as much as possible to accept international applicants. All I’m suggesting is to increase the rate of accepted applicants so that more international applicants worthy of this education enjoy the benefits of studying in such a great university, as many of them who I’m sure are very brilliant, like my friend, deserve this education. The acceptance of more internationals will help everyone: The university, the student body and the accepted internationals. "
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I think your point is strong, but its not focused. I would recommend leaving the example of your friend out of the introduction and putting it later in your body paragraphs. This makes the the thesis more concise and leaves the explanation of why its important for later. Other than that, I think it is a really nice start to a paper. Do you have a title?
ReplyDelete